Things I’ve Taught My Toddler That Are Guaranteed to Confuse the Babysitter

A list in no particular order

• Chanting “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” while waiting to be served dinner
• Point to the small elephant chair in the corner and say “Naughty, naughty!”
• Lie under the covers fully extended and not move unless you say “Gee whiz this bed is lumpy!”
• Falling in slow motion while reaching out for you and screaming “noooooooooo!”
• Attempt to suck snot out of their own nose with the snot sucker for hours on end
• Carry copious items under their neck
• No matter the song, sing “ho ho ho!”
• Throw things under furniture and pretend they can’t reach them until you tell them they have to be the hero this city needs
• Grunt and say “ow” when asked to put away any toy or carry any object
• At any given time, perform a trust fall
• Look you in the eyes and defiantly laugh when you tell her “no”
• Hand you a toy, then cry hysterically until you give it back, then smile and giggle and hand it back to you
• When asked if they want a snack, proceed to sit where they’re at and expect to served that moment
• Dinner is not over until after they eat any fallen food from their booster chair
• If screaming bloody murder, it’s not because you did anything wrong, it probably just because you came inside
• Say “bye-bye!” while slowly backing away until you say you miss them, then come running up and give you a kiss