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Things I’ve Taught My Toddler That Are Guaranteed to Confuse the Babysitter

8/6/2019

A list in no particular order

Chanting “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” while waiting to be served dinner
Point to the small elephant chair in the corner and say “Naughty, naughty!”
Lie under the covers fully extended and not move unless you say “Gee whiz this bed is lumpy!”
Falling in slow motion while reaching out for you and screaming “noooooooooo!”
Attempt to suck snot out of their own nose with the snot sucker for hours on end
Carry copious items under their neck
No matter the song, sing “ho ho ho!”
Throw things under furniture and pretend they can’t reach them until you tell them they have to be the hero this city needs
Grunt and say “ow” when asked to put away any toy or carry any object
At any given time, perform a trust fall
Look you in the eyes and defiantly laugh when you tell her “no”
Hand you a toy, then cry hysterically until you give it back, then smile and giggle and hand it back to you
When asked if they want a snack, proceed to sit where they’re at and expect to served that moment
Dinner is not over until after they eat any fallen food from their booster chair
If screaming bloody murder, it’s not because you did anything wrong, it probably just because you came inside
Say “bye-bye!” while slowly backing away until you say you miss them, then come running up and give you a kiss